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LETTING GO (SO I GUESS I'M HAVING A MARCH BABY)

Posted on: Friday


He was to be born in February, the twenty-first to be exact.  His baby shower was to be a Valentine's Day themed gathering, complete with heart shaped cupcakes and little red felt crowns for everyone to wear atop their heads.  There would be a kissing booth where everyone could smooch my belly for the camera.  The next week, my sister Emmy would arrive in NYC.  We would wander the city, cook ridiculous amounts of food, and prepare the house for the baby together.  She would be present at his birth- a beautiful second home water birth where Gaby catches the baby.  Biet would witness her brother being born and welcome him with kisses.  And the month of love would come to a close with our family of four snuggling in the bed.

Apparently the universe has other plans.

On the day of my shower (a shower I had excitedly planned for months), New York City was struck with a hurricane of monstrous proportions.  We were all advised to stay indoors, and hence baby boy's shower was cancelled.  With only 13 days left until my due date, we decided it was too late to reschedule, so my decorations and baking plans were quietly shut away into a cupboard.  I had been looking forward to reconnecting with old friends and to celebrating this baby with the same gusto that we had celebrated Biet before her birth, but instead the city was blanketed in snow and the weekend passed uneventfully.

My due date neared, and my sister arrived.  As soon as she was settled in, I knew in my heart that I was surrounded with love and support, and I wanted more than anything to have the baby right then.  I imagined my sister taking care of me for the week afterward- cooking food, walking the dog, and loving on the squished newborn face night and day- and it seemed perfect.  I told myself that it was time to have the baby.  The first night that she was here, I began having contractions.  They quickly went from 10 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart, and came on so strongly that I had to sit.  Gaby and I awoke my sister, telling her that this was it.  Gaby was just about to call the midwife, but something felt off to me.  The contractions were very real, but they didn't feel right.  It's hard to pinpoint exactly what the odd feeling was.  I told Gaby not to call, and went to lay down on the bed.  Everything completely stopped.  I kept holding my belly and wishing for another contraction, but none came.  I was so certain that the time had come, but I guess this boy was simply not ready.

There were no more contractions that night, and none the next day.  As the days began to pass I was sure that labor was just around the corner.  But my due date came and went, and the days continued to slip away.  Then came the sickness.  Just after my due date, I noticed that Biet had a runny nose, my poor baby.   The runny nose turned into a full blown cold, which spread to me, which turned into multiple days of lethargy and coughing and general miserableness.  We stayed in bed, my sister took care of us, and all of our fun NYC plans were put on hold.  My body showed zero signs of an impending labor, and then it was suddenly time for Emmy to fly back home to her own babies.  And so this morning, at 41 weeks pregnant, I hugged and kissed her farewell.

And now it is March.  And we wait.  I struggle not to be disappointed, because I know that this birth will be absolutely beautiful.  It will be perfect, and just as it's meant to be.  It truly doesn't matter if this boy is born in February or March, or whether or not he has an audience upon his arrival, or whether he is showered with love before or after his birth.  And I keep reminding myself that this is a lesson in letting go.  He will come when he is ready, and that is all that matters.  He will be healthy, and I will be strong, and I must let go of all other plans and preconceptions and visions of what this time of my life is supposed to look like.  Biet and I are still recovering from our cold, and I keep telling myself that this amazing boy of mine is simply giving us time to be rested and healthy before he graces us.

So as these days pass by slowly, I am trying my best to let go of everything except a deep love for my family.  But my oh my am I eager to see this this little boy's face and to hear his tiny voice and to meet him on his much anticipated birthday.

19 COMMENTS:

  1. It's so hard to stay patient when you are ready for them to come. I hope you don't have to wait too much longer and that you and your family are well again soon.

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  2. Beautiful thoughts on a suspense filled time. I am willing him on too! It will be so sweet to have your little boy in your arms! I just wrote about my boy too, it's a boycentric day it seems x

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  3. Baby boy has a plan. And you'll have your aha moment when he arrives :) if its any cancellation you look incredible pregnant. Strong and pure xxxx

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  4. If i weren't sitting in the school library where I'm an intern teachere I would've been a mushy mess by now after reading that lovely post. I have an older sister who is my protector and supporter and I think thats why your words made my eyes so misty. I hope baby boy comes to say hello soon, we're all waiting in anticipation outr here... :) LOTS of love and best wishes from sunny South Africa x

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  5. I can only imagine the situation for you and your family, but your baby boy seems to have already character! :) I send you all my love and strenght from France, think about you and wish you to meet your boy soon ;) He's maybe just scared and sooo happy in your belly! It's a matter of time so if I were you, I would take advantage of all the love you husband and daughter give to you before the baby keep all for him! ;)

    Je vous embrasse, bon courage!

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  6. I feel your frustration. My baby girl was born 11 days late on 28th December 2011 (I had to be induced as she was showing no signs of wanting to be anywhere but my lovely warm belly). I had lovely visions in my head of her having her first Christmas with us. I had gifts ready for her. Family members bough us "Baby's first christmas 2011" ornaments for the tree. By the 20th I was going crazy, by the 24th I accepted that she wouldn't be here for Christmas, by the 26th I was going crazy again, and by the 27th I was in hospital getting ready to be induced. I guess the universe had other plans for us too, because this Christmas just passed, her first Christmas was truly wonderful and special, and felt just right, like it was always meant to be this way.

    xx

    ps: if baby boy is stubborn and you have to be induced do not worry. There are a lot of negative stories about being induced, but I had a great labour, very short, without any other interventions, and did not need any drugs/pain relief other than gas. I would happily be induced again.

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  7. om shanti sukha om - joyous and peaceful birth. From across the oceans, many ((((((((((oms))))))))))))) xxx

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  8. hang in there mama, you're doing great. Maybe baby boy just has stage fright - so many people eagerly awaiting his arrival :) He will come when he's ready and for now you Biet has you all to herself for a few days longer - those last few days are precious x

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  9. Anonymous7:57:00 AM

    My son was born on a Sunday morning only one day before he was scheduled to be induced (because I would have been 42 weeks). I remember the feeling of waiting so well - I had thought he might come early and instead he came oh so late. It can be so difficult to be patient but well worth it once he finally makes his arrival. Sending good thoughts your way and wishing you a good birth.

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    Replies
    1. Hang in there! He will arrive on the perfect day. Have you tried evening promise oil to soften your cervix?

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  10. When I was impatiently awaiting the arrival of Hazel, about a year ago, a commenter left this on my blog and it really resonated with me and so now I share it with you:

    "In his 1896 Notebook, Mark Twain said, 'There is in life only one moment and in eternity only one. It is so brief that it is represented by the fleeting of a luminous mote through the thin ray of sunlight--and it is visible but a fraction of a second. The moments that preceded it have been lived, are forgotten and are without value; the moments that have not been lived have no existence and will have no value except in the moment that each shall be lived.' He also said, 'When your watch gets out of order you have a choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest,' in Following the Equator..... so throw your watch in the fire and enjoy every luminous moment."

    I also LOVE this essay: http://www.mothering.com/community/a/the-last-days-of-pregnancy-a-place-of-in-between

    Sending you mama-strength and surrendering vibes!
    XOXO

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  11. Hi, I just started reading your blog via SB Sling Diaries and it's great. I love your pictures and your daughter Biet is such a photogenic cutie. Just wanted to send some positive mama, birthing thoughts your way. My 2nd was nearly two weeks late and I know I grew increasingly frustrated at every passing day. It didn't help that my midwives kept telling me the whole pregnancy that they had a premonition that I'd end up going early. I think my baby boy wanted to hold out just to prove to me and everyone else that birth is totally unpredictable, miraculous, and unique every time for every birth. This too shall pass. Thanks for sharing your beautiful journey.

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  12. I love your blog! I discovered during my pregnancy when I used to wake up every night at 4 am. Hang in there! I just had my first this past December. My whole pregnancy I was sure that she would be early. But when my due date came and went I cried! The article in this post really helped me get through those last days: http://www.huxtablebaby.com/these-last-quiet-moments/

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  13. Ah, so many of us know this feeling. And it doesn't matter who you are or how prepared you might be for the little babe... it can be so hard to be waiting. When my due date came and went, I entered a new phase of denial. I thought, "there's no way this girl is coming out." I think I truly believed that. http://rubyhomemaker.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/waiting-for-your-life-to-change/

    But I promise... that baby knows when he's ready and he's just making sure things are exactly how they should be for his grand debut.

    Sending well wishes and a gentle encouraging whisper to the sweet little boy.

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  14. You are a beautiful, strong, wise woman. I am sorry that your sister had to leave without witnessing his birth. It's okay to feel sad about that. Lots of love and strength to you, it sounds like he will come at any moment now. x, Katie

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  15. due dates are so tricky, aren't they? it's so hard not to be attached, but they are just random dates on a calendar. wishing you beautiful last few days of pregnancy x

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