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A WELCOME ENDING

Posted on: Tuesday




Today I am lighter.  The invisible brick that has been sitting on my shoulder for the past two years suddenly turned to dust, and with the first gust of wind was blown away down the avenue, to mix and mingle with all of the other dust on the ledges of windows and in the corners of alleys, becoming just another old remnant of another old story of a citizen of the city.

The story it tells will be one of fear, one of unease.  It's a story that began with a routine test when I was pregnant with Biet, and ended with a test result that I read today.  And in the middle were hospital appointments, procedures, biopsies, doctors advising us to consider how many children we wanted to have, saying the sooner the better was in our best interest, and the unending fear of the worst case scenario: the c word.  I could have come face to face with that word today.  I tried for months and months not to think about it.  Then Lucien was born and testing resumed, and today I opened the results.  And instead of that dreaded word, I read the one word that I had truly not expected: negative.  Completely negative.  My body had healed.

Fear has a funny way of manifesting itself in the most unexpected ways.  I realize now that this rut that I've been in and out of for quite some time, of not being able to completely throw myself into my projects and my art as I'd like to, probably has nothing to do with being uninspired, and everything to do with being scared.   I've been living with this silent fear for over two years, dreading the worst.  I tried so hard to push it out of my mind.  But every morning when we made a fresh juice, I couldn't help but throw in an extra handful of kale for its anti-cancer properties, and then my mind would reel.  I would think about what it must have been like for my mother when, upon going in for her third cesarian, they found multiple tumors spread throughout her body.  She never got to see her babies grow up, and we never got to know her.  I would tell myself, "that was her story and this is mine," but that invisible brick of fear remained on my shoulder, night and day.

Until today.  Today I am lighter.  Today I am free.

I have my babies, and they have me.  And I completely and wholly have my health.  And now, with unending gratitude, I will go on to write my story.


21 COMMENTS:

  1. Oh my. I am so sorry to hear you had to struggle with this fear. And all in silence! What a relieve it must be for you to hear this beautiful test result.

    I wish you lots of joy with your loved ones. I'd say you deserve an extra dose of cuddling today :-)

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  2. To carry such a burden with such grace must have been constantly gnawing at your pysche. What an incredible journey you have had. May you shine all the more brightly now your clouds have blown away. Wishing you gentle, light filled days lovely soul :) x

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  3. Hi, i usually read your blog and, though i don't know you, i'mm glad for the good news. I imagine it's been hard these 2 years but now it's just a bad souvenir.

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  4. What an intense, heavy burden to bear for so long. I am so happy to hear the good news!

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  5. ...and keep throwing that extra handful of kale in, just because.

    I am terribly sorry to read about your mother. It is not hard to stretch the mind when you've been so close to such a sad reality. Wishing you happiness and much good health. Looking forward to reading more and more of your story. :)

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  6. On rare occasions negative is such a positive word! Welcome back!

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  7. Cheers to very good news & a healthy, happy family!

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  8. Anonymous11:58:00 AM

    You are one of those incredible women...

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  9. WHEW! So happy things have reached a positive end :)

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  10. *sighs* Amazing! I am so, so relieved for you and your beautiful family! Celebrate in style. And hug those babies!

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  11. What wonderful news! Good for you and enjoy your lighter day!

    Ergo - Blog

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  12. I've been reading your blog for a short while (since you wrote about the fight your dog was in) and I didn't know about this cancer situation. this was so beautifully written and I'm so happy for you and your family. Thanks for sharing...we can all do with some more gratitude and love and letting go of fear.

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  13. This makes me cry. I'm SO glad you're well, and that your family gets to hold onto you. So glad. I pray that you continue to live a happy, healthy life.

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  14. Oh, Belle. What a waterfall of conflicting emotions I feel for you right now! I am so, so sad for you about your mother, but more than that, I am overwhelmingly relieved for you. And I feel a little empathy, too, and a lot of a "light bulb" sort of sensation. I have had some very serious health struggles myself in the past two years, and I too find myself unable to throw myself into my art and my writing and my projects, as you say. Maybe I'm living in fear, and didn't even realize..... You've given me something to think about. But right now, I'm thinking about my happiness for your family. Those babies need you. I'm so glad they have you.

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  15. Anonymous6:29:00 AM

    This brought tears to my eyes...but I am so happy for the great news you received...you write so well...your kids are angels

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  16. So happy to hear that your struggle with the uncertainty has ended. Joyous news indeed!

    xx katie

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  17. So so wonderful! Very happy for you. What's funny is before I had kids the fear of having cancer was more fear for myself based. But now that I have 2 kids now my worries are more for them. Worried about them not having a mother. But I continue to have faith that God will take care of me, and my children. =)

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  18. Unimaginable what you went through these past two years, that question mark just suspended above you. I am so relieved for you. Thank you for sharing this story. So sad about your mother- I lost my father to cancer when I was just a girl and as I approach the age he was when he died, I think about my own mortality often. Sending love.

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  19. Wow what a weight to carry. So happy to hear that you got an all clear. That is a true miracle and I am sure you will live life with such gratitude and thankfulness every day. So sorry to hear that you lost your mother young. She obviously raised you well as you are a beautiful mum and would be making her proud. Bec

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  20. Congrats on your newfound freedom from this burden. Such a beautiful thought that you got to experience a piece of your mother's story but with a happy ending that was all your own, as I'm sure she hoped and dreamed for you.

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